Amidst great trumpeting from on high and confetti of the more earthly variety, David Beckham at long last has touched down on US soil. Oh, ye troubled people; cast aside your burden for redemption is nigh.

Yes siree! No longer will we toil among the “cellar dwellers” of the football, er…I mean soccer world. Prince David is here to mesmerize and infect American youth with soccer genius and mold Team America into a marauding band of world beaters.

Oh how sweet it will be! Germany, France, England, (although I should really think about that), Holland, Portugal, Spain, Argentina, the mighty Brazil, Italy, all soccer ‘kingpins’ will be at America’s mercy. Right! Oh ye nation of gulls…how gullible can one be?

Trust me on this. The only thing Beckham (and wife Victoria) will infect is the already diseased paparazzi. Paparazzi who have anointed Paris Hilton and other no-talent nobodies superstars and taken up every page of my favourite newspaper (although that’s ok since I spend most of my time elsewhere these days), every second of TV time, and every inch of my most visited blogs with senseless coverage.

And it is a great pity too; for US$250 million over five years, Alexi Lalas and the LA Galaxy could have gotten 1,000 David Beckhams from Brazil…that my friends, if we ever wanted to be infected with soccer, would be the coup de grace. In fact, with John McCain-type Immigration Policy, and an ample supply of Brazilians, America’s soccer troubles could be no more.

Ok ok, maybe I am getting ahead of myself. Becks is here and it’s a reality we have to deal with. Hmmm… you are right! What’s done is done! Who is to tell, Prince David may very well turn this into an incredible “second coming”…a second coming that I first wrote about here.

If that happens, there will definitely be great trumpeting from on high; but in the meantime, I say we deal with more pressing matters: First, we line up Alexi Lalas and the supposedly astute management team at the LA Galaxy and have their heads examined one by one. This, followed by the immediate commencement of proceedings as a prelude to trial for an extreme crime in foisting a “one-kick” has-been on well-thinking, do-not-suffer-fools-gladly soccer connoisseurs.